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January 2, 2011 

30 days of Truth 9: Friends

(An on-going project to discover truth in and about ourselves. See the others here.)

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I think this is how I have lost every friendship I have ever had. Who wants to let friends go? Who ever wants to have to start that over, find new people, build those relationships? It’s hard, and it’s always better to just keep the ones you have. But that almost never happens. At least not early in life.

Nearly everyone I knew in high school is now scattered across the state and the country, and we are each of us too busy with our jobs or school or whatever to really keep in touch. Travel is expensive, and it’s hard to find the time or money to get together. So you just drift. Sure, these days, we don’t have to write letters or whatever. We’ve got AIM. We’ve got Facebook. But all that ever happens is some witty comment on a picture here, a happy birthday prompted by the side bar there.

It’s not that we’re ambivalent about staying friends, it’s just that we never get to see each other any more, and as the years pass, so too does the friendship. Of course, there are some friends with whom you can not speak for months or years but pick back up as if there was never a day lost, but these are few and far between. I have a couple such friends, but even conversations with them are getting more and more rare.

It’s difficult, finding yourself in a place where you have almost no friends. And no real way to meet anyone new. When you spend all your time at work, finding new people is difficult at best, impossible in most cases. But you do your best, try and find someone you can connect with. This becomes even harder as a couple: you then have to find two other people who really mesh with you and your significant other.

But I see the friendships that my parents have, and I know that I’ll some day have friends like that. Who are always around, and have been for 20 years or more. I look forward to those kinds of friends. And I know I already have them, we’re just separated by states at the moment. But it may not always be so.

Maybe that’s another goal for 2011: Find friends.
 
 

December 28, 2010 

30 Days of Truth 8: Living Hell

(An on-going project to discover truth in and about ourselves. See the others here)

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I moved from a private Christian school to public school in 8th grade. I left all my friends behind, and set out into the “real world.” I knew several people, those who had also gone to the private school, but left much earlier than I did. But little did I know that these were not, at all, the same people.

I hung out with them, because I thought I knew them, but really, I was just a piece of scenery. Someone to crack jokes about who wouldn’t fight back because he didn’t know anyone else. Was always left out of group events, never invited out.

I thought it must have been because I was fat. Or because I was, in some other way, offensive. But I have since realized that the problem was not with me. The problem was that they were all jerks. It’s unfortunate that it took me close to 3 years of feelings like shit to figure that out.

When I got to college, I had learned this important lesson. I refused to be tread upon. I refused to be the butt of the jokes. I refused to be treated like an outsider. I found good friends, and these have lasted past college, though we a scattered across the country. So they may have been jerks in high school, but at least they taught me that I deserve better.

December 19, 2010 

30 Days of Truth 7: Someone To Live For

(An on-going project to discover truth in and about ourselves. See the others here)

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is sort of a silly prompt. I don’t live my life for anyone. I live my life because it’s my life to live. It’s not a matter of selfishness, because I have often (and will continue) to give parts of my life to other people. Much of my life has been given to my wife, my family. But I don’t live it for them. I don’t stay alive because of them.

That’s not to say they haven’t been a source of inspiration in my life, a pick-me-up when I get frustrated or tired. How could they not be? I mean, when you’ve given so much of yourself to these people, it becomes a matter of making sure you can continue to do that. Perhaps this is the same thing as “living your life for them,” but I don’t think so. The whole idea presented in this prompt is a bit melodramatic, I think.

I picture a man trying to swim across an ocean, and the only thing that keeps him going is some lost love on the other shore. Otherwise, he’d just quit and drown. I don’t guess I’ve reached that point. I may have given up on a few select projects or what have you, but I don’t imagine I would have laid down and died.

I also realize that this post is, on its face, contradictory to my last post. But I also don’t think it is. Just because I can’t really fathom a life without my wife or family, that doesn’t mean I can’t handle it, or that I wouldn’t continue on. It just means that I don’t want to, not that I can’t.

In any event, I guess this is all a non-answer to the question. But I don’t think you should ever live your life for someone else. You can choose to include others in your life, and you can choose to give of your life to other, but in the end, it’s your life. Not anyone else’s. And if your life isn’t worth living but for another person? Maybe you should reevaluate your priorities.

December 12, 2010 

30 Days of Truth 6: Hope Never To

(An on-going project to discover truth in and about ourselves. See the others here)

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

As I was thinking about this post, it began to dawn on me how incredibly selfish my answer to this question is. And how utterly unrealistic it is.

I hope I never have to watch a loved one die. Okay. There it is. It’s cliche and lame, and I know that, but it’s still my answer all the same. I do not fear death. I never really have. What I fear is living alone. My parents or my brother or my wife dead, and some how or other, I’ve survived them all. I hope I never have to see that happen. Even though I know I probably will, for some at least.

It’s an undeniable fact of life that it ends. I fear not that end for me, but for them. Because it means I’ll be left here alone. I know, right? That’s pretty disgustingly selfish, but I can’t help it. I really just can’t imagine how things will be without them. We may not always agree or get along, but dammit, we’re close. And I depend on all of them. In some way or other, anyhow.

I hope I never have to watch them die. I hope I never have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on. I hope I never have to sit in some church alone amidst the empty faces sitting around me. I hope I never have to give a heart-felt eulogy when I won’t even know how to feel inside.

I hope I never have to. But I know I probably will. And I hope I can handle it when I do.

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