It’s rare I find myself in a state of utter surreal disbelief that I have to wonder if I’ve somehow exited the confines of our universe and am somehow observing the interactions or people almost but not quite like ourselves in some bizzaro universe, replete with people almost but not quite as jaded and sad as our own. But today was one such day.
As I left work, I decided to stop in at Walmart to pick up a few intra-grocery trip items that we tend to run out of. Cereal, soda, milk, etc. In the soda aisle, I found myself soundly affirmed that my cynicism and jaded perspective was justified, and the wanton disregard for self as well as others I witnessed left me gobsmacked.
As a man, in his late twenties or early thirties, slim with nary a gray hair upon his head, reached for some chips, the young woman behind him objected. “You won’t buy her juice,” she said, pointing to the little girl in the shopping cart, “But chips are okay?.” He responded, “Look, if you’re going to do shit like this, I’ll have the divorce papers drawn up tomorrow.” “Do that, then,” she replied.
Then a silence, as they looked into each others eyes, devoid of passion, devoid of compassion, devoid of, well, everything, which buffeted me. I caught my breath. I stared at these two for what seemed like hours, but it was only a few seconds when they began to move again, as if reanimated. Eyes still lifeless, faces stoic as the Easter Island statues, the mother picked up her little girl out of the basket and walked away. The man turned towards me, and walked in the opposite direction of her, leaving behind the disarray in their basket.
Neither was mad. Neither looked as if they were suddenly carrying the weight of the world. Just a small sigh, and he strode past as if he had just been given new life. The mother, too, for that matter looked refreshed and relieved. Their relief was distressing. Relief without passion.
I know marriages end, and I don’t mean to say that this is always a bad thing, or that it is always the wrong decision. It was just this situation was so surreal, it got me thinking about more than just any old divorce. I also know that these two were not flippantly deciding their future over a bag of chips, and I also know that the may stay together. But to see the wave of relief at the mere thought was distressing enough. I’m not nearly so conservative as I used to be, but I still believe that people should stand behind their commitments. That if they promise to each other they’ll be there, well, dammit, they should be. Especially when they have a child.
Perhaps its naïvité speaking, but it just boggles my mind how such an insignificant event can be the final straw. How, even, they could have ever gotten married, had a child, and yet be so obviously happy for the thing to be over. I know that for me, should I ever find myself amidst divorce proceedings, I would be in another one of those surreal existential quandaries, wondering if this was actually happening. I imagine I would be a lot of things, none of them relieved.
Is this where we are? A throw-away culture, obsessed with today, ignorant and disillusioned by our parents, with throw-away values, throw-away promises, throw-away sincerity? Well, it’s all rubbish and it should be, well, thrown away. If this is us–our culture–I’m not so sure I want any part of it. Call me prudish or old fashioned if you will, but I’m going to stand by the idea that people mean something. That promises mean something. That life means something, and it’s about more than today. More than now. More than what I’m going to have for dinner.
Life’s about making a difference, no matter how big. About bettering yourself and others because in the end, that’s your legacy. What did you DO? What did you just toss away like so much garbage? Who did you leave in your wake, and who will remember you fondly? Who will pay it forward, and who will just toss you away like so much garbage?
In a land of toss-away philosophy, I suppose none of that matters. Well, it does to me. And it should to you, too.
Great post; glad to see you blogging again.
I really hate divorce. I’m with you 100%. Whether one is religious/spiritual or not, I really think marriage is a spiritual experience and not meant to be treated as something to just gratify yourself with. It’s not something you consume until you don’t like it anymore, then just toss aside.
I won’t comment on the religious side; however, I do agree that there is a very deep emotional, you say spiritual, connection, and it’s disturbing how easy that’s thrown away.
That said, my reply to Rachelskirts is also applicable here.
AMEN, SISTER FRIEND. I remember asking my parents about divorce once, and my mother looked at me and said simply, “Your father and I talked about that before we got married. We agreed that the word ‘divorce’ was never to be uttered. It’s just simply not an option. Ever.” That was wildly reassuring, especially when things got a little heated for a few months while I was in junior high or high school. I too am a firm believer in fierce loyalty, firm commitments, and perseverance. So . . . *runs out of steam mid-comment* . . . HIGH-FIVE!
I’m not ardently anti-divorce. There are some seriously toxic marriages.
However, it seems to be evidence of a larger lack of sincerity in our culture.
It feels strange to say that this is a good post when it’s about such unpleasant things, but it is. And yes, it does matter; it matters enormously. I wonder if they were even aware that you were there, or how much the little girl might have understood. It’s chilling to think of that relief. It makes me wonder what they did next after they walked away from each other.
I live in a culture which only legalized divorce in 1998. There is still stigma around divorce in Ireland so people are less likely to do it. More marriages may last here than in the USA (for now), but I don’t think couples are any happier. I left my husband and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. In my opinion, raising children in a home where there is anger and resentment, rather than love, is worse than separating. I feel defensive because of your post’s judgmental tone. My contributions to society- and commitment to loved ones as well as the greater good- are no less than those who choose to stay married come hell or high water.
The shock comes not from the divorce. I understand thy divorce happens. But in many cases–especially one that disolves in the grocery store over chips–it seems more a symptom of a systemic devaluation of honesty and/or a determination to do what you say you are going to do.